“Men that are trapped by the chains of “maybe”… can never reach their dreams.” – Godot, Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney Trials & Tribulations
Hi! I am… back!
First, I have to admit that it is so hard to get something started. We all know that, right? Even though we might be used to it by now. You know, getting something started. Every one of us basically does that more than we can count in our lives. From a first day in school to getting started making friends, searching for a hobby and… getting a job. All things we do for the first time at some point and then, again, over and over.
Picking up something you have abandoned for a long time can often be harder than starting something new. It doesn’t matter if you had to leave it behind because something was much more important at that point in your life or you simply hit a wall and took a break.
Even just one tiny task can occupy you for hours which, much earlier in the days, was a matter of seconds. Staring at a blank page, trying to sort your thoughts and ideas… An artist or a writer surely is familiar with that feeling of having too many options and not a clue where to start out. Hell, not just those, all of us.
For me, it was writing again.
Getting your fingers moving over that keyboard. Sometimes even the noise of your keyboard is louder than the aircraft flying over your dang roof. The chaos in your head, everything is blurry and if you want to grasp something out of this mess, the idea ends up unreachable. Or, even worse, you touch something, and it vanished into thin air because everything just does not make sense. It isn’t perfect and what you’d imagined it to be.
Everything was just… noise and loud somehow. Louder than anything and I was sitting in a quiet environment. Most of the time anyways.
Jen, listen, okay, we all had a write or art block. Not a big deal! Just do something nice and you’ll get back to it eventually. Unwind a bit. Go off social media and outside. Take a little break and, you guessed it right, start fresh again.
Before we get into this writing block too deeply, lets focus on something that had happened back in 2018 when I announced starting to study anew and not being able to review games for a while. Leading to that wall I hit hard several times.
I went back to school in November 2018 to try and attempt getting a higher degree. I was not able to study at an university since my degree isn’t good enough. To be honest, I regret that more than I want to admit and can count to. Being a lazy student was basically my whole school life after the 5th grade after I had realized that I do not need to study too much to get by. It worked out all of the time and I got used to it. It was convenient and undeniably stupid.
Working for almost six years in total and after me moving to the other end of Germany, job hunting was easy, but my tasks dissatisfying in the job that I got into. Wanting to change my whole working life for various reasons, I ended up being burned out and deep into depression. Admitting that and getting help was one of the hardest thing to do in my life. Picking up the mess of feelings I had abandoned for so many years was hard. Starting new and fresh was the goal, but the way to that fresh page in my life was hard to flip over.
Writing had helped me being occupied and coping with depression. Don’t worry, I won’t get too much into that. Not because I think there are too many depression stories out there, no. I am the last to be against that kind of expression, share with the world what you want to share. It is just not the type of human I am or ever was.
So, what kind of human am I? The one that was fed up with all that gloomy thoughts and regretting of not doing things. Even though a strange (and hilariously strong) force held me down. It’s ridiculous, I couldn’t even see the hands that held me back. But dang, they were strong and holy moly, there were many.
The Jennifer starting that course full-time in November was a more serious Jennifer than the one in school. Studying and studying, more than it had been good for me. I think I was also learning for the old me as well as the new me.
Explaining what this course is is rather… difficult. It is hard to translate it into English, but here we go and make that attempt. At least, I am trying.
The degree I was trying to achieve is called Bachelor of Business (CCI). You can do that while working a few times per week participating in evening classes. That would take you about 1 ½ years to be prepared to take the three final exams. Two written ones and one presentation in front of a jury.
Wait… Didn’t you say something that you went there full-time or something? Yeah, I did, good catch.
There is another option for people less dedicated to go into a classroom after work instead of a pub or on your sofa. You can take that course in 4 months full-time as well. And I did that from the end of November to the beginning of March. We didn’t have classes every day of the week, there were several weeks where we were off on Wednesday. Even had a nice, 14-day break between Christmas and the New Year. Typical Christmas holidays.
It does sound rather nice, I admit that. But it took a lot of discipline out of me for once getting back into learning after such a long time and studying even though there was my Switch collecting dust. Or a Twitter account to manage and not loosing track of what is going on in the group chat out classmates had. Or having something like… uh, fun or what it is called during the holidays.
Being diligent isn’t the worst of habits to have. Overthinking is, though. And so I started to stress myself out with the little time I had and the unrealistic impression of me not working hard enough. My damn high standards, my strive to perfection… Both leading to a state where my body started to get affected and being guilt-ridden almost 24/7 was taking its toll. My health dropped to a point where I wasn’t sure if I could take one of my exams and everything being ready to throw the complete package into the trash.
(Note: You have to take the two written exams to be able to take part in the last one leading to get your degree. And you have to pass all of them to be able to hold your presentation in front of a jury.)
It goes without speaking that I could take the exams again later that year. That’s not the problem… Normally. Not with my kind of depression though. As I was saying earlier, I need perfection, absolute control over everything. It is a high and unreachable goal, I know. I told myself a countless of times I cannot do that, but stubborn me tried it anyways.
I also had some events occur regarding my personal life as well which made everything more complicated, but I do not wish to address it further. I talked about this in person with some people and I am fed up with that topic. The feeling in my head and heart still tells me otherwise, that I need to talk more to get closure, but I don’t allow myself to talk about it anymore. The reason for that is wishing to move on. Forget that thing ever happened. Because even talking about it feels like I am not getting that desired end I desperately long for. It will only be a reminder for myself.
It will take longer that way, that is something I won’t deny. But that is the path I choose to take.
With saying that, I feel like I told you something, but not enough. I will try to make a summary, just like a review:
That time I stopped reviewing… This time span was a welcomed adventure. A short one, packed with a lot of tasks that left me overwhelmed, even desperate. Challenged me often to a point where I just wanted to shut off and move on to another game. Although, that time let me grew even more, especially as a person. But dang, the graphics and the music were amazing…!
Seriously, though. I know I have not been there for you well and even though it never makes the impression… I think of you a lot. Even those that are not in my life anymore, whatever the reason may be. Maybe we weren’t even that close… But I try to remember and think of a lot of people, what moved them and what had happened to them.
That alone keeps me pretty busy, ha. I do not want to pat myself on the back, but many persons came in and went out of my life. It often does not feel like it, though, because of my lack of messages and the never ending apologies for late responses. I am aware of that, but even though I am a friendly nature (Hey, I am trying at least), I need a huge amount of time for myself. I need to balance it out a bit more. I am working on that. Probably need to let go of some thoughts, memories and people in my mind or life, too.
A lot happened and it felt hard to come back. But who am I if I do not try again? To all those keeping me loyal, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am trying my best. I did well the past few months. And I continue to do so in the future.
Thanks for reading this.
One Comment Add yours
This was so good! I really felt what you were going through, keep at it Jen!